Marriage is Hard: An Honest Look at the "Love Your Spouse" Challenge

I was challenged by several of my friends and family to post pictures in a facebook challenge to celebrate my love for my husband. I love this idea and this is not meant to discourage anyone who has already or is currently participating in that challenge. However, for me, this isn’t as easy.

I have been married to a wonderful man for fourteen years. He is a great man. He is highly respected at his work, at our church and in our social circles. And he is a perfect husband. Or at least he would be to a woman with a very different personality than mine. He is an imperfect husband to me though. And the same is true about me.

For some other man, I would be a dream-come-true wife. Although I joke that if I was married to someone more similar to me we would be living in a van down by the river. (Yes, babe, I did just quote Chris Farley—you see, readers, the perfect wife for my husband would ALWAYS appreciate Chris Farley’s humor. I do not. Imperfect Wife, right here.)

If you were a betting man, you would bet against our marriage. We have not had easy circumstances. We have moved eight times, suffered three miscarriages, birthed three baby boys, adopted one baby girl, lost four grandparents and one parent. We have battled Satan over various sins through the years. We have two wildly different personalities that make us see EVERY SINGLE SITUATION differently. Big things and little things.  Every one of the situations listed above were handled differently by each of us. George always took the logical, reasonable approach. I always took the emotional, verge-of-breakdown approach.

Prior to March 15, 2002, we were unaware of the challenges we would face in life or how our differences would impact us. On our first grocery shopping trip after our honeymoon we fought over the shape of tortilla chips. He insisted on round chips. I insisted on restaurant-style triangle chips. (We agreed to disagree and bought both kinds). We also had no idea what demons would be appearing in times of stress. Neither of us knew that I would struggle with various eating disorders or significant bouts of depression that almost destroyed me and us in the process.

People often talk about how marriage gets better with time. Am I the only one that thinks it gets harder? We have added four more strong personalities into our family dynamic, not including our two demanding dogs. Our once simple life has grown from a one bedroom $500 a month apartment to a multiple bedroom, constantly messy and loud single family home.

So with this challenge, I don’t celebrate how perfect my marriage is. I celebrate that in spite of the imperfections, we are still engaged in the battle. And that is what it is. It is not easy. I don’t imagine that my marriage ever will be. As long as I have an emotion in my heart and he has logic in his brain, we will struggle. But I tell you, if we ever figure out how to combine George's wisdom and efficiency with my compassion and heart, then Satan be damned because we will be an unstoppable force in the kingdom. I hope that happens in our time on earth, but if not, it will happen in heaven and it will ALL BE WORTH IT!

Here are a few “Love Your Spouse” pictures that paint a more realistic picture of marriage.

1. Our first post-honeymoon pic in our shoddy apartment. Poor kids...they have no idea what is about to hit them.

2. At first look, this is a beautiful picture of the Great Smoky Mountains on our 6 month anniversary trip. In reality, it was horrible and we fought the whole time and left early. Here I'm wondering what the heck I committed to.

3. After our second miscarriage, George bought me a puppy. A horrible little thing, she was meant to bring peace and she brought puppy-toothed destruction for the first year. Of course, she has redeemed herself the last 11 and Molly has been a great counselor to us in our marital turmoil--mostly because she always takes my side. This is him sleeping with her the first night in our home because she wouldn't stop crying. LOVE!

 4. Jonathan's first birthday. We have no couple picture at this time because we were actually separated for a few months. For me, this picture is draped in sadness. Fortunately, our kids were unaware.

5. A few months after Jonathan's first birthday, we attended a Family Life Weekend to Remember Getaway. We had already reconciled but our struggles had not disappeared. It was a great weekend, but marriage conferences aren't always the solution to marital differences. This is us trying to recreate Family Life's iconic pose for their conference. Notice the strain of muscles. I think George threw out his back.

6. My husband and I don't stay up until 2am talking about our hopes and dreams. That was my definition of love prior to marriage. Now, Love looks like your husband being willing to wear chaps because you decide to dress up like this for Halloween and he needs to match. (Can you tell I had just read Redeeming Love?)

7. Love also looks like sitting in 20 degree weather to watch the Thanksgiving parade in Estes Park because your wife demands that we make happy family memories. Look at that happiness.

 8. (Eight because seven is so cliché.) Running a marathon in New Orleans, together but not together. We both love to do races. George runs. I jog. We will never run together. The last family run we went on, a tornado hit our neighborhood right afterwards. That was our sign. Still, he encourages me to do what I love. He even puts up with me when I spend the whole weekend fawning over Mark Wahlberg because I saw him and we made eye contact.

 9. The most important one, imo. This is a fraction of the books that I have read to try to better our marriage. (I could not find the classic "When Pleasing You is Killing Me"). Some see this as a sign of weakness. I don't. It means I'm fighting. And so is George. A less faithful man would have left long ago.

Note: I have many wonderful friends who despite all their efforts, could not save their marriage. And I watched how God has loved them through it (even when some Christians have not). I do not judge you. I love you and I hope the best for you!

Perhaps one day you will see me showering social media with love-filled pics where no disclaimer is necessary. Until then, I'll be fighting alongside my husband to make this thing called marriage work. Our efforts are worth it. And maybe then we will have that Family life pose nailed down!