Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Day I Taught My Child the F Word and Other Ways I am Messing Up My Children


 
It had been a rough day. As I scurried around the kitchen trying to get all the forks and napkins and second helpings on the dinner table, I heard the familiar thud of the plastic cup and the resulting splash. You see, when a full cup of chocolate milk is knocked off a 36 in high table by a 6 year old who refuses to settle down and eat his food, the liquid is sprayed in a ten foot radius around the point of impact with the tile floor. There was chocolate milk dripping from the ceiling, covering every spindle on the chair backs, soaking in the fur of the dog, spotting the baseboards, flowing into the vents, etc. I was at my wit’s end. In a voice that can best be described as a dragon-after-he-sucked-in-helium, I banished all four kids to the backyard so that I could began wiping down every surface in the kitchen. A few minutes later, I was carrying an armful of dishes from the table to the sink when I tripped over my chocolate-milk coated dog. I uncharacteristically yelled, “Get the F--- out of my way!”  As I regained my footing and rebalanced the wobbling dishes, I looked up to see my dog scamper out of the kitchen and into the office…right past my milk-spilling 6 year old. True to form, he had not listened to my instruction about the forced exile to the backyard and had instead decided to play a computer game.

But he didn’t flinch at my curse word. Not a glance.

He didn’t notice, I thought. Phew!

It wasn’t until 15 minutes later that I realized I was wrong. My innocent son, playing a math game about pond animals, said in a calm voice to an animated frog, “Get the F--- out of my way.” My husband, having just walked in the door, snapped his head towards him and said, “Where did you learn that?!”

And in my most defeated, tail-between-my-legs fashion, I slowly raised my hand.

I wish I could tell you that was the only time I have failed to be the perfect mother, but that would be a lie. As a stay at home mom, my children were full time witnesses to my sin for 10 years. What makes my situation worse is that I know better. I have two degrees in Human Development and Family Relations. I teach people what children need to proper development and how to build and maintain strong, healthy families. So not only can I tell you exactly how I’m damaging my children, I can cite research articles!

Yes, I’m messing up my children. They are not perfect. They are broken. Their personalities are flawed. Their choices are corruptible.

My biggest fear as a mother has come true. And I’m not the only mother who feels this way.

From the moment the nurse hands us our sweet newborn child in the hospital, we feel it. We look at this beautiful creature, so perfect and so innocent. His eyes meet ours and we say in our own way:

I’m your mommy and I will always love you and protect you.

And we try. We try with more effort than we have given every other endeavor in our lives. We read books, articles, and blogs. We research different parenting models and techniques.  We make the most informed choices we can.

And so we breastfeed, we circumcize, we Babywise, we immunize, we tummy time, we buy organic, we essential oil, we cosleep, we babysign, we limit tv time, we refuse to spank, we homeschool, we private school, we push travel sports at a young age, and it goes on and on.

I am convinced that the fear of screwing up our kids is what leads to every single Mommy War out there. Mothers (and some fathers) are so determined to prove that their parenting style is best because the thought that we might actually be doing something wrong and causing harm to our child is terrifying.

A great example of this is the backlash against immunizations. A celebrity best known for posing in Playboy and cohosting a 90’s MTV gameshow made a claim that a vaccine gave her son Autism. Now hundreds of thousands of mothers every year choose to avoid that vaccine and others because they are afraid that a choice they make will damage their otherwise perfect and healthy child.

No, my purpose here is not to debate immunizations or any other Mommy War topic. There are many other blog out there to focus on that.
Rather, my purpose here is to expose the falsehood of the commonly held belief that as long as we make the best choices for our child, then it is possible to keep our perfect little newborn perfect forever.  Speakers, authors, psychologist and even pastors have made a lot of money off of this lie. In fact, if you search “parenting” on Amazon.com, you will get 138,911 hits. Apparently, there are 138,911 ways you can try to be a perfect parent and thereby make your child perfect.

But it is just not possible.

Why?

Because of sin.

The Bible tells us that we live in a broken world, corrupted by Satan and perpetuated by sinful men and women.

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God…” (Romans 3:23)

It is not possible for us to be perfect mothers and therefore we cannot raise perfect children. We can be good mothers-even great mothers. But we cannot be perfect 100% of the time. Our own personal sin contaminates how and what we teach our child.

Selfishness, impatience, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, gossip, anger.

From us they learn to mimic the same sins that we exemplify, as we drive in traffic, talk on the phone with friends, relate with our spouse, etc. The very first mother experienced this. Eve, having previously displayed her own discontentment by biting the forbidden fruit, witnessed her son Cain become so discontent with his lot in life that he killed his brother Abel. Can you imagine the guilt she must have felt?

Eve also learned through the death of her son Abel, that it is not possible for us to protect our child every moment they live on earth.

This was the very first lesson that I learned as a mother. In my first pregnancy, I followed every guideline and every doctor’s order. Yet, I could not keep the baby inside my womb thriving. Every week, the baby’s growth fell farther behind. No amount of rest or prayer could save that baby. As I sat in the emergency room, begging my body to stop the act of miscarriage, I saw my sweet boy on the ultrasound screen. His once beating heart now sat still. His soul, once present inside my body, had risen to heaven and into the care of angels. The very first thing my doctor said was, “This was not because of something you have done.” He knew that I would blame myself. Afterall, the very word “miscarriage” implies that the woman couldn’t carry the baby correctly. It is a truth I still cling to when the mourning and the guilt returns. I had done all that I could possibly do, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

There are also times when circumstances happen that are beyond our control and we cannot give our child the life that we believe is ideal.

Divorce, death, illness, layoffs, tragedy, natural disaster.

We cannot protect them forever. Children, at some point in their lives, will feel pain, both physical and emotional. They will be hurt by the sin of others. They will be hurt by their own sinful nature. We can install every safety lock, survey every playmate, and sanitize every shopping cart handle but our children are still going to have times in their lives where they face pain.  But through that pain they may experience all that God has to offer: redemption, forgiveness, grace, joy, triumph. My favorite scene from Finding Nemo is between Marlin and Dory, as Marlin laments how, in spite of his very best efforts, he was unable to keep Nemo out of harm’s way:

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.

Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny things to promise.

Marlin: What?

Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.

 

To tell mothers that it is possible to raise a perfect and protected child is not fair. It is not fair to the mothers and it is not fair to the children. You’ve heard it said that in marriage, the difference between expectation and reality is disappointment. The same rule applies in parenting. The more we as mothers expect ourselves and our children to be perfect, the more we will sense failure when imperfection appears. The more Satan can make us feel like a failure, the more he can incapacitate us from doing the ministry God intended for us. The more Satan can make our children feel like they do not measure up to our expectations, the more they will resent us, turning towards false idols and away from the one true God.

So what are we supposed to do as imperfect mothers, raising imperfect children in an imperfect world?

1. Do the very best you can. Motherhood is the most important task we are given. We must give it our all. We should read a few of those 138,911 parenting books, and subscribe to some great blogs. We should read research articles that discuss the topics of Mommy Wars. We should read our bible and seek out scripture that speaks to parenting issues (Proverbs 22:6: Deuteronomy 6:6-9). We should also “make every effort to add to our faith” all the fruits of the spirit (2 Peter 1:5-8). We should not roll on our backs in our struggles, or surrender to our sin, or simply accept our poor circumstances.  Our God is mighty and through Him we are more than conquerors.

2. Expect imperfection from ourselves and our children (Romans 3; Proverbs 22:15). Failure will happen in our time on earth. If it is not a surprise to God that we sin and he loves us in spite of it (Psalm 139:13-16), then we should expect it as well.  Motherhood is hard and we need to give ourselves a little bit of the grace that we so lovingly give to those around us when they wrong us.

3. Admit when you are wrong or when you sin. Children need to see that other people make mistakes. If your wrongdoing hurt them, then ask for their forgiveness.

4. Point them to Jesus. Remind yourself and them that righteousness does not come from being good or perfect, but through Jesus’ death on the cross (Romans 3:24).

5. Pray for the Holy Spirit to intervene the next time the chocolate milk spills, the toilet overflows, or the report card shows up. God loves your child even more than you do and he also knows every mistake he will ever make and he can handle it. Whereas we can only focus on the present trial, he can see this on the backdrop of eternity.
Chances are, it’s just a little spilled milk.

No comments:

Post a Comment