Her Children Arise and Call Her "BAD MOM!!!"

 

 

When my son, Jonathan, was eight months old, I knew something was wrong. “He doesn’t babble right,” I told my husband, my friends, my doctor, etc. They all said the same thing; he wasn’t supposed to be able to talk at eight months. However, I know Child Development like the back of my hand and I knew something was keeping him from making sounds.

At 12 months, they said it would take time.

At 15 months, they said I shouldn’t be worried.

At 18 months, they said he would say his first word any day.

At 24 months, they said that he didn’t need to talk because he had older brothers. (Of course, they didn’t see how hard he tried to talk and how frustrated he would get when we couldn’t understand him.)

Finally, when he was 2 ½ his doctor agreed that it was time to start speech therapy. So even though our insurance didn’t cover it, we took him in to meet with a speech therapist. With her help, he learned how to move his tongue, lips, and jaw to make sounds that were developmentally appropriate for his age. I’ll never forget the first time he said “Momma” clear enough for me to understand. It blessed my heart because I know how hard he had to work to say it.

And I’ll never forget the first time he strung two words together clearly.

He had found some sharp scissors and was attempting to cut a piece of paper. Before he could draw blood I took them away from him. His face turned bright read and his whole body started to shake and he yelled, “BAD MOM!!!”

Yep. After three months of speech therapy and $3000, we had helped my child be able to scream an insult at me.

 

This was not what I thought parenthood would be like.

You’ve read it hundreds of times: the description of the Proverbs 31 woman. One of the verses that has always stuck out to me was Proverbs 31:28, “Her children arise and call her blessed.” Isn’t that what we expected before our first baby was born? I know I did. As a little girl, when I imagined what motherhood would look like, it looked like this:

 I would sit on the couch with my children surrounding me. And as I wrapped my arms around them, my son would look up and say “You are the best mommy in the whole wide world.” Then I would make eye contact with my husband, who was sitting in an armchair, petting the head of our dog, and we would share a smile that said, “Isn’t life perfect?”

Of course, after my children were born, I quickly realized that scene was not realistic. My first clues were that in my fantasy, there were no dirty dishes, my dog was not peeing on the floor and my husband was John Stamos!

I didn’t expect parenthood to be this hard and I didn’t expect to feel so discouraged. I know from reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages that the way I feel and give love most easily is through Words of Affirmation. So what do you do when those Words of Affirmation are few and far between?

Now there have been times when my children have encouraged me. I have a memory box where I keep each and every valentine, drawing, card, and gift that my kids have given me. On my fridge I keep this note from my 7 year old, reminding me that there was one time he ate my dinner without complaining!

 

But there are times they discourage us, too.

The first time your toddler hits you.

The first time they throw that horrendous fit in the middle of Hobby Lobby because you won’t buy them $5 M&Ms.

The first time they glare at you.

The first time they tell you that you are mean.

And I haven’t even gotten to the teenage years yet!

The fact is, it is not my children’s job to encourage me, or “fill my bucket.” It is not their job to notice when I’m down or frustrated or scared or worried. I cannot rely on my children to give me a much-needed hug or “good job, Mom.” They are still trying to figure out themselves and the world and how it revolves around them. 

Besides they are much too fickle. Here are two notes I received from my 7 year old within 2 minutes of each other. The first note took a ton of his time and he folded it into an airplane and threw it to me. The second note was his response after I wasn’t willing to give him money in exchange for the first note.

 

So where do we get our encouragement to parent one more hour, one more day, or 50 more years?

1. God

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, ¹⁷ encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

God knows that parenting is hard. God, in his command for us to be fruitful and multiply, shows his desire for us to have many children even though he knows our work (and our blessing) multiplies with every child. I believe God uses parenthood to humble us. Nothing has convicted me of more sin than being a parent. God also uses parenthood to remind us how vastly and unconditionally we are loved by him, our Heavenly Father. So go to him in prayer—before the kids awaken, when the schoolbus takes them away from your protective reach, and when the nth cup of chocolate milk gets spilled… Cast your burdens on him and he will sustain you because he cares for you (Psalm 55:22; I Peter 5:7).

2. The Bible

I have had full months go by where the only scripture I read is the book of Psalms. It is a great source for encouragement.  To read David’s own words and prayers as he fled for his life, struggled in sin, tore his clothes in mourning, led a great nation is the perfect way to get encouragement and perspective when the blessing of motherhood feels like anything but a blessing.

You can also read Paul’s letter to the Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Thessalonians or Romans as they struggled to follow the will of God in a turbulent world.

When times are really hard, read the stories of how Jesus interacted with hurting women, loving them and caring for them in their time of need and remember that Jesus loves you just as much in your time of need.

Woman Washes Jesus’ Feet- Luke 7:36-50

Woman Caught in Adultery- John 8: 1-11

Mary and Martha, Mourning their brother’s death- John 11:17-37

3. Your Husband

I hesitate to write this because we must be careful in the expectations we place in other people. Frankly, some husbands are really, really bad at giving their wives encouragement. In the near future, I will address that in another post. For now, I will say that the Bible makes it very clear that it is in the job description of the husband to encourage his wife (Proverbs 31:28; Colossians 3:19). I pray that when motherhood gets tough, your husband will have the wisdom and compassion to encourage you.

4. Friends

We are commanded in I Thessalonians 5:11 to “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” Find a group of friends who can encourage you through the hard times. Pray together, sip coffee together, worship together, get manicures together when you get a long enough break to let the polish dry! A group of moms from my church get together to read Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin and we discuss how parenting is hard and how we can support each other through it.

 

FINALLY, IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS:

 

Look around for others who need encouragement. Who is the woman whose husband is not giving her the support she needs? Who is the woman with the child who is unable to express emotion or show affection? Who is the woman without family around to help her when she is overwhelmed or downtrodden? Who is the woman that has been left out of the “mommy circle?” Who is the person that is first to get overlooked when encouragement is being dealt?

 

We must encourage one another. Life in this fallen world is hard and we need to look out for each other. 

Sincerely,

 

Janine "Bad Mom" Rosche