Last week, my two year old daughter gave me the best
compliment I’ve ever received. It was not a morning of good mothering. As I
frantically prepared lunches for my three boys and shouted short-tempered directives to
them so they wouldn’t be late to school, she came up to me, wrapped her arms
around my legs and said, “Momma, I like being with you.” My scowl melted away as
I looked at this sweet girl, born to another woman and brought into our home
when she was five weeks old. In this one interestingly-timed compliment, she
calmed, at least for a time, one of my biggest insecurities as an adoptive mom:
What if she wishes she were with someone else? Especially when I'm struggling in motherhood to show her the unconditional love she deserves? When I'm not the "fun mom"? When I'm the "yelling-because-I'm-overwhelmed" mom?
This insecurity goes much deeper than just my fears as an
adoptive mom. The fear of not being “enough” to make people want to be with me
has followed me my whole life. I believe that I share this insecurity with
most, if not all of humankind. It is the reason why breakups hard. It is why
our feelings get so hurt when we see that we weren’t invited somewhere. It is why we drown ourselves in the lives of
tv or book characters; we get to share in the joys and triumphs of another
without the fear of getting pushed out or left behind. It is the painful knowledge that sometimes people, for one reason or another, don't "like being with" us.
When we feel rejected by those around us, we may seek relational refuge in social media friendships.
We feel safe with our surface level friendships, comprised of likes and
friendly comments, until we see something like this
and are reminded that we are only as cared for as we are
useful to other people.
This insecurity is why we seek options to remedy our flaws.
Perhaps we think others (especially those from the opposite sex) may like being
with us more if we could remedy our physical flaws: lose a few pounds, wear
more makeup, change our hair color/texture, undergo surgery, etc. Perhaps we
think others would like us more if we could remedy our character flaws: say
less, say more, be more positive, complain less, laugh more, be more spiritual,
be less spiritual, etc. Perhaps others would like to be with us if could remedy
our behavioral flaws: drink less, party more, swear less, let loose, gossip
less, gossip more, etc.
This insecurity is particularly heart wrenching when you are
undergoing a long term circumstance such as ongoing sin, chronic pain, a sick
child, struggling marriage, infertility, depression, etc. Humans have an extremely
small capacity to remain in the presence of others (emotionally and physically)
when they are undergoing a circumstance that is not easily fixed. The times
when we are hardest to be with are the times when we need companionship the
most. Even Christians fail each other in
these moments, but we attempt to justify our absence by overusing the idea of “healthy
boundaries.” The fact is that few people will choose to be with you when you
are at your ugliest and few people will walk by your side when your night is
the darkest.
In general, people only like being with us to the extent
that we are likable.
On the flip side, it means all that much more when someone
appears at your side when you are in a hard place.
When the friend babysits your kids for the umpteenth time…
When the friend prays for you again and again and again…
When the spouse comes back to a difficult home and marriage
night after night…
When the child makes you a valentine even though you
grounded them from their electronics…
When the mentor listens to your repeated mistake over and
over…
When the neighbor brings you dinner for the third or fourth
time in your illness, injury or postpartum time…
Have you ever wondered why so many people still believe in
God, in spite of the fact that He is unpopular, uncool, and the lifestyle he
encourages is outdated? It is because He offers something completely unheard of
in this life. He wants to be with us unconditionally. He sees us in our
ugliest, our most soiled, our most depressed, our most stubborn, our most
depraved, our most tainted and our loneliest time and he STILL longs to be with
us. He longs to be with each one of us so much that he allowed his very son,
Jesus, to die a tortured death on the cross so that we may be with him for
eternity. This is THE singular reason
why I began a relationship with Jesus Christ 19 years ago.
How is he able to love us without condition? Because he
doesn’t NEED anything from us. The nature of human relationships involves a
reciprocal meeting of needs. When someone no longer meets one of our needs, our
emotional response is fight or flight, not love and linger. God alone is
capable of loving and lingering in our lives because he doesn’t need anything
from us for him to keep being God.
The bible is full of stories where Jesus chose to “be” with
people in spite of their circumstances, flaws, and failures. Jesus stood with
the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector cheating his neighbors, the prostitute, the woman with the constant relationship drama, the
woman with a 12 year illness, the sisters in mourning, his best friends who
denied him on his hardest day. Jesus lingered. He loved. To use the words of my
daughter, he “liked BEING with them.”
In conclusion, here are a few questions to ponder:
Who do you “like being with?” How can you tell them so?
Who do you NOT like being with but needs you to stay
faithful to them in their hard time? How can you find the strength to persevere
and love unconditionally?
Who “likes being with you” and why?
Do you believe God “likes being with you?” Why or why not?
Sincerely,
Janine
