Her Children Arise and Call Her "BAD MOM!!!"

 

 

When my son, Jonathan, was eight months old, I knew something was wrong. “He doesn’t babble right,” I told my husband, my friends, my doctor, etc. They all said the same thing; he wasn’t supposed to be able to talk at eight months. However, I know Child Development like the back of my hand and I knew something was keeping him from making sounds.

At 12 months, they said it would take time.

At 15 months, they said I shouldn’t be worried.

At 18 months, they said he would say his first word any day.

At 24 months, they said that he didn’t need to talk because he had older brothers. (Of course, they didn’t see how hard he tried to talk and how frustrated he would get when we couldn’t understand him.)

Finally, when he was 2 ½ his doctor agreed that it was time to start speech therapy. So even though our insurance didn’t cover it, we took him in to meet with a speech therapist. With her help, he learned how to move his tongue, lips, and jaw to make sounds that were developmentally appropriate for his age. I’ll never forget the first time he said “Momma” clear enough for me to understand. It blessed my heart because I know how hard he had to work to say it.

And I’ll never forget the first time he strung two words together clearly.

He had found some sharp scissors and was attempting to cut a piece of paper. Before he could draw blood I took them away from him. His face turned bright read and his whole body started to shake and he yelled, “BAD MOM!!!”

Yep. After three months of speech therapy and $3000, we had helped my child be able to scream an insult at me.

 

This was not what I thought parenthood would be like.

You’ve read it hundreds of times: the description of the Proverbs 31 woman. One of the verses that has always stuck out to me was Proverbs 31:28, “Her children arise and call her blessed.” Isn’t that what we expected before our first baby was born? I know I did. As a little girl, when I imagined what motherhood would look like, it looked like this:

 I would sit on the couch with my children surrounding me. And as I wrapped my arms around them, my son would look up and say “You are the best mommy in the whole wide world.” Then I would make eye contact with my husband, who was sitting in an armchair, petting the head of our dog, and we would share a smile that said, “Isn’t life perfect?”

Of course, after my children were born, I quickly realized that scene was not realistic. My first clues were that in my fantasy, there were no dirty dishes, my dog was not peeing on the floor and my husband was John Stamos!

I didn’t expect parenthood to be this hard and I didn’t expect to feel so discouraged. I know from reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages that the way I feel and give love most easily is through Words of Affirmation. So what do you do when those Words of Affirmation are few and far between?

Now there have been times when my children have encouraged me. I have a memory box where I keep each and every valentine, drawing, card, and gift that my kids have given me. On my fridge I keep this note from my 7 year old, reminding me that there was one time he ate my dinner without complaining!

 

But there are times they discourage us, too.

The first time your toddler hits you.

The first time they throw that horrendous fit in the middle of Hobby Lobby because you won’t buy them $5 M&Ms.

The first time they glare at you.

The first time they tell you that you are mean.

And I haven’t even gotten to the teenage years yet!

The fact is, it is not my children’s job to encourage me, or “fill my bucket.” It is not their job to notice when I’m down or frustrated or scared or worried. I cannot rely on my children to give me a much-needed hug or “good job, Mom.” They are still trying to figure out themselves and the world and how it revolves around them. 

Besides they are much too fickle. Here are two notes I received from my 7 year old within 2 minutes of each other. The first note took a ton of his time and he folded it into an airplane and threw it to me. The second note was his response after I wasn’t willing to give him money in exchange for the first note.

 

So where do we get our encouragement to parent one more hour, one more day, or 50 more years?

1. God

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, ¹⁷ encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

God knows that parenting is hard. God, in his command for us to be fruitful and multiply, shows his desire for us to have many children even though he knows our work (and our blessing) multiplies with every child. I believe God uses parenthood to humble us. Nothing has convicted me of more sin than being a parent. God also uses parenthood to remind us how vastly and unconditionally we are loved by him, our Heavenly Father. So go to him in prayer—before the kids awaken, when the schoolbus takes them away from your protective reach, and when the nth cup of chocolate milk gets spilled… Cast your burdens on him and he will sustain you because he cares for you (Psalm 55:22; I Peter 5:7).

2. The Bible

I have had full months go by where the only scripture I read is the book of Psalms. It is a great source for encouragement.  To read David’s own words and prayers as he fled for his life, struggled in sin, tore his clothes in mourning, led a great nation is the perfect way to get encouragement and perspective when the blessing of motherhood feels like anything but a blessing.

You can also read Paul’s letter to the Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Thessalonians or Romans as they struggled to follow the will of God in a turbulent world.

When times are really hard, read the stories of how Jesus interacted with hurting women, loving them and caring for them in their time of need and remember that Jesus loves you just as much in your time of need.

Woman Washes Jesus’ Feet- Luke 7:36-50

Woman Caught in Adultery- John 8: 1-11

Mary and Martha, Mourning their brother’s death- John 11:17-37

3. Your Husband

I hesitate to write this because we must be careful in the expectations we place in other people. Frankly, some husbands are really, really bad at giving their wives encouragement. In the near future, I will address that in another post. For now, I will say that the Bible makes it very clear that it is in the job description of the husband to encourage his wife (Proverbs 31:28; Colossians 3:19). I pray that when motherhood gets tough, your husband will have the wisdom and compassion to encourage you.

4. Friends

We are commanded in I Thessalonians 5:11 to “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” Find a group of friends who can encourage you through the hard times. Pray together, sip coffee together, worship together, get manicures together when you get a long enough break to let the polish dry! A group of moms from my church get together to read Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin and we discuss how parenting is hard and how we can support each other through it.

 

FINALLY, IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS:

 

Look around for others who need encouragement. Who is the woman whose husband is not giving her the support she needs? Who is the woman with the child who is unable to express emotion or show affection? Who is the woman without family around to help her when she is overwhelmed or downtrodden? Who is the woman that has been left out of the “mommy circle?” Who is the person that is first to get overlooked when encouragement is being dealt?

 

We must encourage one another. Life in this fallen world is hard and we need to look out for each other. 

Sincerely,

 

Janine "Bad Mom" Rosche

The Day I Taught My Child the F Word and Other Ways I am Messing Up My Children

 

It had been a rough day. As I scurried around the kitchen trying to get all the forks and napkins and second helpings on the dinner table, I heard the familiar thud of the plastic cup and the resulting splash. You see, when a full cup of chocolate milk is knocked off a 36 in high table by a 6 year old who refuses to settle down and eat his food, the liquid is sprayed in a ten foot radius around the point of impact with the tile floor. There was chocolate milk dripping from the ceiling, covering every spindle on the chair backs, soaking in the fur of the dog, spotting the baseboards, flowing into the vents, etc. I was at my wit’s end. In a voice that can best be described as a dragon-after-he-sucked-in-helium, I banished all four kids to the backyard so that I could began wiping down every surface in the kitchen. A few minutes later, I was carrying an armful of dishes from the table to the sink when I tripped over my chocolate-milk coated dog. I uncharacteristically yelled, “Get the F--- out of my way!”  As I regained my footing and rebalanced the wobbling dishes, I looked up to see my dog scamper out of the kitchen and into the office…right past my milk-spilling 6 year old. True to form, he had not listened to my instruction about the forced exile to the backyard and had instead decided to play a computer game.

But he didn’t flinch at my curse word. Not a glance.

He didn’t notice, I thought. Phew!

It wasn’t until 15 minutes later that I realized I was wrong. My innocent son, playing a math game about pond animals, said in a calm voice to an animated frog, “Get the F--- out of my way.” My husband, having just walked in the door, snapped his head towards him and said, “Where did you learn that?!”

And in my most defeated, tail-between-my-legs fashion, I slowly raised my hand.

I wish I could tell you that was the only time I have failed to be the perfect mother, but that would be a lie. As a stay at home mom, my children were full time witnesses to my sin for 10 years. What makes my situation worse is that I know better. I have two degrees in Human Development and Family Relations. I teach people what children need to proper development and how to build and maintain strong, healthy families. So not only can I tell you exactly how I’m damaging my children, I can cite research articles!

Yes, I’m messing up my children. They are not perfect. They are broken. Their personalities are flawed. Their choices are corruptible.

My biggest fear as a mother has come true. And I’m not the only mother who feels this way.

From the moment the nurse hands us our sweet newborn child in the hospital, we feel it. We look at this beautiful creature, so perfect and so innocent. His eyes meet ours and we say in our own way:

I’m your mommy and I will always love you and protect you.

And we try. We try with more effort than we have given every other endeavor in our lives. We read books, articles, and blogs. We research different parenting models and techniques.  We make the most informed choices we can.

And so we breastfeed, we circumcize, we Babywise, we immunize, we tummy time, we buy organic, we essential oil, we cosleep, we babysign, we limit tv time, we refuse to spank, we homeschool, we private school, we push travel sports at a young age, and it goes on and on.

I am convinced that the fear of screwing up our kids is what leads to every single Mommy War out there. Mothers (and some fathers) are so determined to prove that their parenting style is best because the thought that we might actually be doing something wrong and causing harm to our child is terrifying.

A great example of this is the backlash against immunizations. A celebrity best known for posing in Playboy and cohosting a 90’s MTV gameshow made a claim that a vaccine gave her son Autism. Now hundreds of thousands of mothers every year choose to avoid that vaccine and others because they are afraid that a choice they make will damage their otherwise perfect and healthy child.

No, my purpose here is not to debate immunizations or any other Mommy War topic. There are many other blog out there to focus on that.

Rather, my purpose here is to expose the falsehood of the commonly held belief that as long as we make the best choices for our child, then it is possible to keep our perfect little newborn perfect forever.  Speakers, authors, psychologist and even pastors have made a lot of money off of this lie. In fact, if you search “parenting” on Amazon.com, you will get 138,911 hits. Apparently, there are 138,911 ways you can try to be a perfect parent and thereby make your child perfect.

But it is just not possible.

Why?

Because of sin.

The Bible tells us that we live in a broken world, corrupted by Satan and perpetuated by sinful men and women.

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God…” (Romans 3:23)

It is not possible for us to be perfect mothers and therefore we cannot raise perfect children. We can be good mothers-even great mothers. But we cannot be perfect 100% of the time. Our own personal sin contaminates how and what we teach our child.

Selfishness, impatience, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, gossip, anger.

From us they learn to mimic the same sins that we exemplify, as we drive in traffic, talk on the phone with friends, relate with our spouse, etc. The very first mother experienced this. Eve, having previously displayed her own discontentment by biting the forbidden fruit, witnessed her son Cain become so discontent with his lot in life that he killed his brother Abel. Can you imagine the guilt she must have felt?

Eve also learned through the death of her son Abel, that it is not possible for us to protect our child every moment they live on earth.

This was the very first lesson that I learned as a mother. In my first pregnancy, I followed every guideline and every doctor’s order. Yet, I could not keep the baby inside my womb thriving. Every week, the baby’s growth fell farther behind. No amount of rest or prayer could save that baby. As I sat in the emergency room, begging my body to stop the act of miscarriage, I saw my sweet boy on the ultrasound screen. His once beating heart now sat still. His soul, once present inside my body, had risen to heaven and into the care of angels. The very first thing my doctor said was, “This was not because of something you have done.” He knew that I would blame myself. Afterall, the very word “miscarriage” implies that the woman couldn’t carry the baby correctly. It is a truth I still cling to when the mourning and the guilt returns. I had done all that I could possibly do, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

There are also times when circumstances happen that are beyond our control and we cannot give our child the life that we believe is ideal.

Divorce, death, illness, layoffs, tragedy, natural disaster.

We cannot protect them forever. Children, at some point in their lives, will feel pain, both physical and emotional. They will be hurt by the sin of others. They will be hurt by their own sinful nature. We can install every safety lock, survey every playmate, and sanitize every shopping cart handle but our children are still going to have times in their lives where they face pain.  But through that pain they may experience all that God has to offer: redemption, forgiveness, grace, joy, triumph. My favorite scene from Finding Nemo is between Marlin and Dory, as Marlin laments how, in spite of his very best efforts, he was unable to keep Nemo out of harm’s way:

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.

Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny things to promise.

Marlin: What?

Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.

 

To tell mothers that it is possible to raise a perfect and protected child is not fair. It is not fair to the mothers and it is not fair to the children. You’ve heard it said that in marriage, the difference between expectation and reality is disappointment. The same rule applies in parenting. The more we as mothers expect ourselves and our children to be perfect, the more we will sense failure when imperfection appears. The more Satan can make us feel like a failure, the more he can incapacitate us from doing the ministry God intended for us. The more Satan can make our children feel like they do not measure up to our expectations, the more they will resent us, turning towards false idols and away from the one true God.

So what are we supposed to do as imperfect mothers, raising imperfect children in an imperfect world?

1. Do the very best you can. Motherhood is the most important task we are given. We must give it our all. We should read a few of those 138,911 parenting books, and subscribe to some great blogs. We should read research articles that discuss the topics of Mommy Wars. We should read our bible and seek out scripture that speaks to parenting issues (Proverbs 22:6: Deuteronomy 6:6-9). We should also “make every effort to add to our faith” all the fruits of the spirit (2 Peter 1:5-8). We should not roll on our backs in our struggles, or surrender to our sin, or simply accept our poor circumstances.  Our God is mighty and through Him we are more than conquerors.

2. Expect imperfection from ourselves and our children (Romans 3; Proverbs 22:15). Failure will happen in our time on earth. If it is not a surprise to God that we sin and he loves us in spite of it (Psalm 139:13-16), then we should expect it as well.  Motherhood is hard and we need to give ourselves a little bit of the grace that we so lovingly give to those around us when they wrong us.

3. Admit when you are wrong or when you sin. Children need to see that other people make mistakes. If your wrongdoing hurt them, then ask for their forgiveness.

4. Point them to Jesus. Remind yourself and them that righteousness does not come from being good or perfect, but through Jesus’ death on the cross (Romans 3:24).

5. Pray for the Holy Spirit to intervene the next time the chocolate milk spills, the toilet overflows, or the report card shows up. God loves your child even more than you do and he also knows every mistake he will ever make and he can handle it. Whereas we can only focus on the present trial, he can see this on the backdrop of eternity.

Chances are, it’s just a little spilled milk.