The One Who Sees Me

 

 

It was the last game of my high school soccer career. We were playing a team in the state tournament and we were losing. It was a sad day, knowing my “glory days” were over in the Beavercreek High School stadium.  After the game I sat on the field with just one other girl and sobbed, thinking of the great girls with whom I would never again play and already missing the feeling of having your name announced over the loud speaker when you score a goal or make a great play as your family, friends, and classmates cheered. It had been a great journey and I was sad. It was then that my coach came up to me. She assumed that my tears were due to the fact that I sat on the bench the entire game watching my beloved team lose, never getting a single minute on the field to help. I didn't understand. This refusal to sub me into the game came after three years on the Varsity team where I was often a starter and a big contributor to the team.  

She came up to me and kneeled down and I expected some encouraging words, like:

Its only a game.

It was a good ride while it lasted.

We tried our hardest.

But the encouraging words did not come. Instead, she looked at me and said, “I know you are upset you never got to play tonight. But the reason is…you just don’t have any “heart.” You never cared for this team.” And she walked away.

It was a dagger to my heart. And the tears just came down harder.

She didn’t see me. My coach for four years didn’t know me or my personality. She didn’t understand my words, actions, or motivation. She didn’t know how I felt or how I thought.

Those who know me can attest that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel big emotions and they are not easily contained. While internally I am a pessimist, I am an optimist around other people—encouragement is my spiritual gift. For the most part I am very cognizant of the emotional atmosphere of a person or group and will try my best to improve it when it is negative. When someone was down, I was there to provide encouragement. I was a big sister to some of the younger players and was always looking for ways to help them. During long conditioning runs, I would yell out encouragement to keep going and run alongside someone who was falling behind. When our team was struggling earlier in the season, I had even written the world’s cheesiest high school girl poem to bring us back together and lift us up.

“Heart” is not something I lacked. She didn’t see me and it was crushing.

For me, this is one of the worst things in the world—to not be seen by someone, to not be known. I know I’m not alone.

My nine year old came home from school this week and started crying. He told me that the kindergarten teacher of the class that the 4^th graders work with had yelled at him in front of everyone because of one brief moment where he lost his patience with his (apparently very obnoxious) kinderbuddy. He was upset because this woman who doesn’t know him had judged him based on one moment in time. Because she hadn’t seen her kindergarten student throwing his body around the hallway, annoying everyone, and calling my son names and provoking him on purpose she didn’t understand William’s motivation or his attempt to get this boy back on track with their project. She didn’t see him for who he is-- a sweet, compassionate, and responsible boy who would never intentionally hurt or discourage someone. “Now she thinks I’m mean. I just want my teacher to explain to her that I’m a good kid,” he said.

We have an innate desire to be understood and to be known. We want to be seen for who we truly are in our heart of hearts.

Friendship might begin with a common interest or experience, but it only grows when we begin to show others what motivates us, upsets us, impassions us, and cheers us. These are the friends that bring you a grande caramel mocha latte with nonfat milk, whip cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon when you were up all night with a sick baby. These are the friends that send you a book in the mail because they just know that you will love it. These are the friends that follow you to the other room after they overhear someone says something to you, knowing it probably unleashed tears and a need for a shoulder to cry on.

Family may start out as shared DNA and ancestry, but it grows when a sister offers you a can of Diet Coke because it is your favorite, or makes you a homemade card for Christmas just for you. It grows when a brother calls you when you have a miscarriage. It grows when your mom always has peanut butter brownies prepared for you when you visit.

Relationships might begin with a mutual attraction or a flirtation, but they only grow when we share our thoughts and emotions. One of the pivotal points in my relationship with my husband came when we had been dating for a month. We were at a park at night, playing board games by candlelight (best date idea ever, right?). Because the only board games I had access to were ones I borrow from my girls’ soccer team, we played Mall Madness and Girl Talk. One of the questions I had to ask him in the game was, “Who is my best friend?” He proceeded to tell me all the girls that I cared about and how they fit into my life and even talked about the insecurities that I carried as a result of friendships. I just stared in awe at this boy whom I had known for two years but had never seemed to pay any attention to me prior to our first date. For the first time ever, a boy had seen me.

Who sees you? Who sees past the face that you put on for the crowd to feign confidence, strength, and knowledge? Who sees through the stoic exterior and into the insecurities, fear, struggles and longing?   

One of my favorite bible stories is of Hagar and Ishmael in Genesis. The background of the story is that Abraham and his wife Sarah could not have children, a shameful and sorrowful state in that time and culture. The Lord tells Abraham that he will be the father of many nations, with children as numerous as the stars in the sky, a laughable thought considering their old age. When time passed and the children did not come, Abraham in his impatience and at the heeding of his wife, took Sarah’s maidservant to bed and she gave birth to a son, Ishmael (Genesis 16). Once Sarah was given a child of her own, Isaac, Sarah cast out Hagar and Ishmael.

In a very sad moment in scripture (Genesis 21), a homeless, starving, desert-strewn Hagar sends Ishmael to another spot nearby because she cannot bear to watch him die of dehydration and hunger.

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.  Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”  Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. Genesis 21:17-19

For Hagar, she had a very literal example of what it is like to be seen by someone. She actually gives a name to the Lord in Genesis 16:13—The One Who Sees Me.

Many people believe correctly that God is omniscient, or all-knowing and that he is able to see the evil thoughts that go through our head and the sinful acts that we do when no one is around. This is the reason why Jesus’ death on the cross was necessary, even for those who are “good people” and do a lot of good things. No one is perfect and sin is prevalent in everyone’s heart and mind.  God has been gracious to us because He is love. God sees us in our sinful nature and he loves us anyway.

My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes. Jeremiah 16:17

Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Matthew 9:4

However, many people do not understand that God also sees us in our loneliness, our fear, our longing, our sorrow and our insecurity. He sees us in our victory, our celebration, and our contentment as well. Not only does he sees us in those times but in his compassionate and empathetic nature, he joins us in those sorrows and joys so we are never alone.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139:1-5

I encourage you to consider some questions in your own life. Who sees you? Are there things you do and barriers you have constructed to make sure no one sees the real you? Who do you see? Who should you see but you haven’t taken the time? Do you believe God sees you? Do you live your life in a way that reflects that? How does that knowledge change how you go about your day?

 

A blog for another time: Sometimes letting people see the real us opens us up to heartache, betrayal, or embarrassment depending on how another person perceives us. We take the chance to have our trust broken any time we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another flawed human being. People are not always able to handle seeing all of us and the weight of that intimate knowledge can be too much. God alone is completely trustworthy and capable of handling the entire truth of who we are.