The Best Compliment

Last week, my two year old daughter gave me the best compliment I’ve ever received. It was not a morning of good mothering. As I frantically prepared lunches for my three boys and shouted short-tempered directives to them so they wouldn’t be late to school, she came up to me, wrapped her arms around my legs and said, “Momma, I like being with you.” My scowl melted away as I looked at this sweet girl, born to another woman and brought into our home when she was five weeks old. In this one interestingly-timed compliment, she calmed, at least for a time, one of my biggest insecurities as an adoptive mom: What if she wishes she were with someone else? Especially when I'm struggling in motherhood to show her the unconditional love she deserves? When I'm not the "fun mom"? When I'm the "yelling-because-I'm-overwhelmed" mom?

This insecurity goes much deeper than just my fears as an adoptive mom. The fear of not being “enough” to make people want to be with me has followed me my whole life. I believe that I share this insecurity with most, if not all of humankind. It is the reason why breakups hard. It is why our feelings get so hurt when we see that we weren’t invited somewhere.  It is why we drown ourselves in the lives of tv or book characters; we get to share in the joys and triumphs of another without the fear of getting pushed out or left behind. It is the painful knowledge that sometimes people, for one reason or another, don't "like being with" us.

When we feel rejected by those around us, we may seek relational refuge in social media friendships. We feel safe with our surface level friendships, comprised of likes and friendly comments, until we see something like this

 

and are reminded that we are only as cared for as we are useful to other people.

This insecurity is why we seek options to remedy our flaws. Perhaps we think others (especially those from the opposite sex) may like being with us more if we could remedy our physical flaws: lose a few pounds, wear more makeup, change our hair color/texture, undergo surgery, etc. Perhaps we think others would like us more if we could remedy our character flaws: say less, say more, be more positive, complain less, laugh more, be more spiritual, be less spiritual, etc. Perhaps others would like to be with us if could remedy our behavioral flaws: drink less, party more, swear less, let loose, gossip less, gossip more, etc.

This insecurity is particularly heart wrenching when you are undergoing a long term circumstance such as ongoing sin, chronic pain, a sick child, struggling marriage, infertility, depression, etc. Humans have an extremely small capacity to remain in the presence of others (emotionally and physically) when they are undergoing a circumstance that is not easily fixed. The times when we are hardest to be with are the times when we need companionship the most.  Even Christians fail each other in these moments, but we attempt to justify our absence by overusing the idea of “healthy boundaries.” The fact is that few people will choose to be with you when you are at your ugliest and few people will walk by your side when your night is the darkest.

In general, people only like being with us to the extent that we are likable.

On the flip side, it means all that much more when someone appears at your side when you are in a hard place.

When the friend babysits your kids for the umpteenth time…

When the friend prays for you again and again and again…

When the spouse comes back to a difficult home and marriage night after night…

When the child makes you a valentine even though you grounded them from their electronics…

When the mentor listens to your repeated mistake over and over…

When the neighbor brings you dinner for the third or fourth time in your illness, injury or postpartum time…

Have you ever wondered why so many people still believe in God, in spite of the fact that He is unpopular, uncool, and the lifestyle he encourages is outdated? It is because He offers something completely unheard of in this life. He wants to be with us unconditionally. He sees us in our ugliest, our most soiled, our most depressed, our most stubborn, our most depraved, our most tainted and our loneliest time and he STILL longs to be with us. He longs to be with each one of us so much that he allowed his very son, Jesus, to die a tortured death on the cross so that we may be with him for eternity.  This is THE singular reason why I began a relationship with Jesus Christ 19 years ago.

How is he able to love us without condition? Because he doesn’t NEED anything from us. The nature of human relationships involves a reciprocal meeting of needs. When someone no longer meets one of our needs, our emotional response is fight or flight, not love and linger. God alone is capable of loving and lingering in our lives because he doesn’t need anything from us for him to keep being God.

The bible is full of stories where Jesus chose to “be” with people in spite of their circumstances, flaws, and failures. Jesus stood with the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector cheating his neighbors, the prostitute, the woman with the constant relationship drama, the woman with a 12 year illness, the sisters in mourning, his best friends who denied him on his hardest day. Jesus lingered. He loved. To use the words of my daughter, he “liked BEING with them.”

In conclusion, here are a few questions to ponder:

Who do you “like being with?” How can you tell them so?

Who do you NOT like being with but needs you to stay faithful to them in their hard time? How can you find the strength to persevere and love unconditionally?

Who “likes being with you” and why?

Do you believe God “likes being with you?” Why or why not?

Sincerely,

Janine

Her Children Arise and Call Her "BAD MOM!!!"

 

 

When my son, Jonathan, was eight months old, I knew something was wrong. “He doesn’t babble right,” I told my husband, my friends, my doctor, etc. They all said the same thing; he wasn’t supposed to be able to talk at eight months. However, I know Child Development like the back of my hand and I knew something was keeping him from making sounds.

At 12 months, they said it would take time.

At 15 months, they said I shouldn’t be worried.

At 18 months, they said he would say his first word any day.

At 24 months, they said that he didn’t need to talk because he had older brothers. (Of course, they didn’t see how hard he tried to talk and how frustrated he would get when we couldn’t understand him.)

Finally, when he was 2 ½ his doctor agreed that it was time to start speech therapy. So even though our insurance didn’t cover it, we took him in to meet with a speech therapist. With her help, he learned how to move his tongue, lips, and jaw to make sounds that were developmentally appropriate for his age. I’ll never forget the first time he said “Momma” clear enough for me to understand. It blessed my heart because I know how hard he had to work to say it.

And I’ll never forget the first time he strung two words together clearly.

He had found some sharp scissors and was attempting to cut a piece of paper. Before he could draw blood I took them away from him. His face turned bright read and his whole body started to shake and he yelled, “BAD MOM!!!”

Yep. After three months of speech therapy and $3000, we had helped my child be able to scream an insult at me.

 

This was not what I thought parenthood would be like.

You’ve read it hundreds of times: the description of the Proverbs 31 woman. One of the verses that has always stuck out to me was Proverbs 31:28, “Her children arise and call her blessed.” Isn’t that what we expected before our first baby was born? I know I did. As a little girl, when I imagined what motherhood would look like, it looked like this:

 I would sit on the couch with my children surrounding me. And as I wrapped my arms around them, my son would look up and say “You are the best mommy in the whole wide world.” Then I would make eye contact with my husband, who was sitting in an armchair, petting the head of our dog, and we would share a smile that said, “Isn’t life perfect?”

Of course, after my children were born, I quickly realized that scene was not realistic. My first clues were that in my fantasy, there were no dirty dishes, my dog was not peeing on the floor and my husband was John Stamos!

I didn’t expect parenthood to be this hard and I didn’t expect to feel so discouraged. I know from reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages that the way I feel and give love most easily is through Words of Affirmation. So what do you do when those Words of Affirmation are few and far between?

Now there have been times when my children have encouraged me. I have a memory box where I keep each and every valentine, drawing, card, and gift that my kids have given me. On my fridge I keep this note from my 7 year old, reminding me that there was one time he ate my dinner without complaining!

 

But there are times they discourage us, too.

The first time your toddler hits you.

The first time they throw that horrendous fit in the middle of Hobby Lobby because you won’t buy them $5 M&Ms.

The first time they glare at you.

The first time they tell you that you are mean.

And I haven’t even gotten to the teenage years yet!

The fact is, it is not my children’s job to encourage me, or “fill my bucket.” It is not their job to notice when I’m down or frustrated or scared or worried. I cannot rely on my children to give me a much-needed hug or “good job, Mom.” They are still trying to figure out themselves and the world and how it revolves around them. 

Besides they are much too fickle. Here are two notes I received from my 7 year old within 2 minutes of each other. The first note took a ton of his time and he folded it into an airplane and threw it to me. The second note was his response after I wasn’t willing to give him money in exchange for the first note.

 

So where do we get our encouragement to parent one more hour, one more day, or 50 more years?

1. God

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, ¹⁷ encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

God knows that parenting is hard. God, in his command for us to be fruitful and multiply, shows his desire for us to have many children even though he knows our work (and our blessing) multiplies with every child. I believe God uses parenthood to humble us. Nothing has convicted me of more sin than being a parent. God also uses parenthood to remind us how vastly and unconditionally we are loved by him, our Heavenly Father. So go to him in prayer—before the kids awaken, when the schoolbus takes them away from your protective reach, and when the nth cup of chocolate milk gets spilled… Cast your burdens on him and he will sustain you because he cares for you (Psalm 55:22; I Peter 5:7).

2. The Bible

I have had full months go by where the only scripture I read is the book of Psalms. It is a great source for encouragement.  To read David’s own words and prayers as he fled for his life, struggled in sin, tore his clothes in mourning, led a great nation is the perfect way to get encouragement and perspective when the blessing of motherhood feels like anything but a blessing.

You can also read Paul’s letter to the Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Thessalonians or Romans as they struggled to follow the will of God in a turbulent world.

When times are really hard, read the stories of how Jesus interacted with hurting women, loving them and caring for them in their time of need and remember that Jesus loves you just as much in your time of need.

Woman Washes Jesus’ Feet- Luke 7:36-50

Woman Caught in Adultery- John 8: 1-11

Mary and Martha, Mourning their brother’s death- John 11:17-37

3. Your Husband

I hesitate to write this because we must be careful in the expectations we place in other people. Frankly, some husbands are really, really bad at giving their wives encouragement. In the near future, I will address that in another post. For now, I will say that the Bible makes it very clear that it is in the job description of the husband to encourage his wife (Proverbs 31:28; Colossians 3:19). I pray that when motherhood gets tough, your husband will have the wisdom and compassion to encourage you.

4. Friends

We are commanded in I Thessalonians 5:11 to “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” Find a group of friends who can encourage you through the hard times. Pray together, sip coffee together, worship together, get manicures together when you get a long enough break to let the polish dry! A group of moms from my church get together to read Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin and we discuss how parenting is hard and how we can support each other through it.

 

FINALLY, IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS:

 

Look around for others who need encouragement. Who is the woman whose husband is not giving her the support she needs? Who is the woman with the child who is unable to express emotion or show affection? Who is the woman without family around to help her when she is overwhelmed or downtrodden? Who is the woman that has been left out of the “mommy circle?” Who is the person that is first to get overlooked when encouragement is being dealt?

 

We must encourage one another. Life in this fallen world is hard and we need to look out for each other. 

Sincerely,

 

Janine "Bad Mom" Rosche

The Day I Taught My Child the F Word and Other Ways I am Messing Up My Children

 

It had been a rough day. As I scurried around the kitchen trying to get all the forks and napkins and second helpings on the dinner table, I heard the familiar thud of the plastic cup and the resulting splash. You see, when a full cup of chocolate milk is knocked off a 36 in high table by a 6 year old who refuses to settle down and eat his food, the liquid is sprayed in a ten foot radius around the point of impact with the tile floor. There was chocolate milk dripping from the ceiling, covering every spindle on the chair backs, soaking in the fur of the dog, spotting the baseboards, flowing into the vents, etc. I was at my wit’s end. In a voice that can best be described as a dragon-after-he-sucked-in-helium, I banished all four kids to the backyard so that I could began wiping down every surface in the kitchen. A few minutes later, I was carrying an armful of dishes from the table to the sink when I tripped over my chocolate-milk coated dog. I uncharacteristically yelled, “Get the F--- out of my way!”  As I regained my footing and rebalanced the wobbling dishes, I looked up to see my dog scamper out of the kitchen and into the office…right past my milk-spilling 6 year old. True to form, he had not listened to my instruction about the forced exile to the backyard and had instead decided to play a computer game.

But he didn’t flinch at my curse word. Not a glance.

He didn’t notice, I thought. Phew!

It wasn’t until 15 minutes later that I realized I was wrong. My innocent son, playing a math game about pond animals, said in a calm voice to an animated frog, “Get the F--- out of my way.” My husband, having just walked in the door, snapped his head towards him and said, “Where did you learn that?!”

And in my most defeated, tail-between-my-legs fashion, I slowly raised my hand.

I wish I could tell you that was the only time I have failed to be the perfect mother, but that would be a lie. As a stay at home mom, my children were full time witnesses to my sin for 10 years. What makes my situation worse is that I know better. I have two degrees in Human Development and Family Relations. I teach people what children need to proper development and how to build and maintain strong, healthy families. So not only can I tell you exactly how I’m damaging my children, I can cite research articles!

Yes, I’m messing up my children. They are not perfect. They are broken. Their personalities are flawed. Their choices are corruptible.

My biggest fear as a mother has come true. And I’m not the only mother who feels this way.

From the moment the nurse hands us our sweet newborn child in the hospital, we feel it. We look at this beautiful creature, so perfect and so innocent. His eyes meet ours and we say in our own way:

I’m your mommy and I will always love you and protect you.

And we try. We try with more effort than we have given every other endeavor in our lives. We read books, articles, and blogs. We research different parenting models and techniques.  We make the most informed choices we can.

And so we breastfeed, we circumcize, we Babywise, we immunize, we tummy time, we buy organic, we essential oil, we cosleep, we babysign, we limit tv time, we refuse to spank, we homeschool, we private school, we push travel sports at a young age, and it goes on and on.

I am convinced that the fear of screwing up our kids is what leads to every single Mommy War out there. Mothers (and some fathers) are so determined to prove that their parenting style is best because the thought that we might actually be doing something wrong and causing harm to our child is terrifying.

A great example of this is the backlash against immunizations. A celebrity best known for posing in Playboy and cohosting a 90’s MTV gameshow made a claim that a vaccine gave her son Autism. Now hundreds of thousands of mothers every year choose to avoid that vaccine and others because they are afraid that a choice they make will damage their otherwise perfect and healthy child.

No, my purpose here is not to debate immunizations or any other Mommy War topic. There are many other blog out there to focus on that.

Rather, my purpose here is to expose the falsehood of the commonly held belief that as long as we make the best choices for our child, then it is possible to keep our perfect little newborn perfect forever.  Speakers, authors, psychologist and even pastors have made a lot of money off of this lie. In fact, if you search “parenting” on Amazon.com, you will get 138,911 hits. Apparently, there are 138,911 ways you can try to be a perfect parent and thereby make your child perfect.

But it is just not possible.

Why?

Because of sin.

The Bible tells us that we live in a broken world, corrupted by Satan and perpetuated by sinful men and women.

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God…” (Romans 3:23)

It is not possible for us to be perfect mothers and therefore we cannot raise perfect children. We can be good mothers-even great mothers. But we cannot be perfect 100% of the time. Our own personal sin contaminates how and what we teach our child.

Selfishness, impatience, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, gossip, anger.

From us they learn to mimic the same sins that we exemplify, as we drive in traffic, talk on the phone with friends, relate with our spouse, etc. The very first mother experienced this. Eve, having previously displayed her own discontentment by biting the forbidden fruit, witnessed her son Cain become so discontent with his lot in life that he killed his brother Abel. Can you imagine the guilt she must have felt?

Eve also learned through the death of her son Abel, that it is not possible for us to protect our child every moment they live on earth.

This was the very first lesson that I learned as a mother. In my first pregnancy, I followed every guideline and every doctor’s order. Yet, I could not keep the baby inside my womb thriving. Every week, the baby’s growth fell farther behind. No amount of rest or prayer could save that baby. As I sat in the emergency room, begging my body to stop the act of miscarriage, I saw my sweet boy on the ultrasound screen. His once beating heart now sat still. His soul, once present inside my body, had risen to heaven and into the care of angels. The very first thing my doctor said was, “This was not because of something you have done.” He knew that I would blame myself. Afterall, the very word “miscarriage” implies that the woman couldn’t carry the baby correctly. It is a truth I still cling to when the mourning and the guilt returns. I had done all that I could possibly do, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

There are also times when circumstances happen that are beyond our control and we cannot give our child the life that we believe is ideal.

Divorce, death, illness, layoffs, tragedy, natural disaster.

We cannot protect them forever. Children, at some point in their lives, will feel pain, both physical and emotional. They will be hurt by the sin of others. They will be hurt by their own sinful nature. We can install every safety lock, survey every playmate, and sanitize every shopping cart handle but our children are still going to have times in their lives where they face pain.  But through that pain they may experience all that God has to offer: redemption, forgiveness, grace, joy, triumph. My favorite scene from Finding Nemo is between Marlin and Dory, as Marlin laments how, in spite of his very best efforts, he was unable to keep Nemo out of harm’s way:

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.

Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny things to promise.

Marlin: What?

Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.

 

To tell mothers that it is possible to raise a perfect and protected child is not fair. It is not fair to the mothers and it is not fair to the children. You’ve heard it said that in marriage, the difference between expectation and reality is disappointment. The same rule applies in parenting. The more we as mothers expect ourselves and our children to be perfect, the more we will sense failure when imperfection appears. The more Satan can make us feel like a failure, the more he can incapacitate us from doing the ministry God intended for us. The more Satan can make our children feel like they do not measure up to our expectations, the more they will resent us, turning towards false idols and away from the one true God.

So what are we supposed to do as imperfect mothers, raising imperfect children in an imperfect world?

1. Do the very best you can. Motherhood is the most important task we are given. We must give it our all. We should read a few of those 138,911 parenting books, and subscribe to some great blogs. We should read research articles that discuss the topics of Mommy Wars. We should read our bible and seek out scripture that speaks to parenting issues (Proverbs 22:6: Deuteronomy 6:6-9). We should also “make every effort to add to our faith” all the fruits of the spirit (2 Peter 1:5-8). We should not roll on our backs in our struggles, or surrender to our sin, or simply accept our poor circumstances.  Our God is mighty and through Him we are more than conquerors.

2. Expect imperfection from ourselves and our children (Romans 3; Proverbs 22:15). Failure will happen in our time on earth. If it is not a surprise to God that we sin and he loves us in spite of it (Psalm 139:13-16), then we should expect it as well.  Motherhood is hard and we need to give ourselves a little bit of the grace that we so lovingly give to those around us when they wrong us.

3. Admit when you are wrong or when you sin. Children need to see that other people make mistakes. If your wrongdoing hurt them, then ask for their forgiveness.

4. Point them to Jesus. Remind yourself and them that righteousness does not come from being good or perfect, but through Jesus’ death on the cross (Romans 3:24).

5. Pray for the Holy Spirit to intervene the next time the chocolate milk spills, the toilet overflows, or the report card shows up. God loves your child even more than you do and he also knows every mistake he will ever make and he can handle it. Whereas we can only focus on the present trial, he can see this on the backdrop of eternity.

Chances are, it’s just a little spilled milk.

The One Who Sees Me

 

 

It was the last game of my high school soccer career. We were playing a team in the state tournament and we were losing. It was a sad day, knowing my “glory days” were over in the Beavercreek High School stadium.  After the game I sat on the field with just one other girl and sobbed, thinking of the great girls with whom I would never again play and already missing the feeling of having your name announced over the loud speaker when you score a goal or make a great play as your family, friends, and classmates cheered. It had been a great journey and I was sad. It was then that my coach came up to me. She assumed that my tears were due to the fact that I sat on the bench the entire game watching my beloved team lose, never getting a single minute on the field to help. I didn't understand. This refusal to sub me into the game came after three years on the Varsity team where I was often a starter and a big contributor to the team.  

She came up to me and kneeled down and I expected some encouraging words, like:

Its only a game.

It was a good ride while it lasted.

We tried our hardest.

But the encouraging words did not come. Instead, she looked at me and said, “I know you are upset you never got to play tonight. But the reason is…you just don’t have any “heart.” You never cared for this team.” And she walked away.

It was a dagger to my heart. And the tears just came down harder.

She didn’t see me. My coach for four years didn’t know me or my personality. She didn’t understand my words, actions, or motivation. She didn’t know how I felt or how I thought.

Those who know me can attest that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel big emotions and they are not easily contained. While internally I am a pessimist, I am an optimist around other people—encouragement is my spiritual gift. For the most part I am very cognizant of the emotional atmosphere of a person or group and will try my best to improve it when it is negative. When someone was down, I was there to provide encouragement. I was a big sister to some of the younger players and was always looking for ways to help them. During long conditioning runs, I would yell out encouragement to keep going and run alongside someone who was falling behind. When our team was struggling earlier in the season, I had even written the world’s cheesiest high school girl poem to bring us back together and lift us up.

“Heart” is not something I lacked. She didn’t see me and it was crushing.

For me, this is one of the worst things in the world—to not be seen by someone, to not be known. I know I’m not alone.

My nine year old came home from school this week and started crying. He told me that the kindergarten teacher of the class that the 4^th graders work with had yelled at him in front of everyone because of one brief moment where he lost his patience with his (apparently very obnoxious) kinderbuddy. He was upset because this woman who doesn’t know him had judged him based on one moment in time. Because she hadn’t seen her kindergarten student throwing his body around the hallway, annoying everyone, and calling my son names and provoking him on purpose she didn’t understand William’s motivation or his attempt to get this boy back on track with their project. She didn’t see him for who he is-- a sweet, compassionate, and responsible boy who would never intentionally hurt or discourage someone. “Now she thinks I’m mean. I just want my teacher to explain to her that I’m a good kid,” he said.

We have an innate desire to be understood and to be known. We want to be seen for who we truly are in our heart of hearts.

Friendship might begin with a common interest or experience, but it only grows when we begin to show others what motivates us, upsets us, impassions us, and cheers us. These are the friends that bring you a grande caramel mocha latte with nonfat milk, whip cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon when you were up all night with a sick baby. These are the friends that send you a book in the mail because they just know that you will love it. These are the friends that follow you to the other room after they overhear someone says something to you, knowing it probably unleashed tears and a need for a shoulder to cry on.

Family may start out as shared DNA and ancestry, but it grows when a sister offers you a can of Diet Coke because it is your favorite, or makes you a homemade card for Christmas just for you. It grows when a brother calls you when you have a miscarriage. It grows when your mom always has peanut butter brownies prepared for you when you visit.

Relationships might begin with a mutual attraction or a flirtation, but they only grow when we share our thoughts and emotions. One of the pivotal points in my relationship with my husband came when we had been dating for a month. We were at a park at night, playing board games by candlelight (best date idea ever, right?). Because the only board games I had access to were ones I borrow from my girls’ soccer team, we played Mall Madness and Girl Talk. One of the questions I had to ask him in the game was, “Who is my best friend?” He proceeded to tell me all the girls that I cared about and how they fit into my life and even talked about the insecurities that I carried as a result of friendships. I just stared in awe at this boy whom I had known for two years but had never seemed to pay any attention to me prior to our first date. For the first time ever, a boy had seen me.

Who sees you? Who sees past the face that you put on for the crowd to feign confidence, strength, and knowledge? Who sees through the stoic exterior and into the insecurities, fear, struggles and longing?   

One of my favorite bible stories is of Hagar and Ishmael in Genesis. The background of the story is that Abraham and his wife Sarah could not have children, a shameful and sorrowful state in that time and culture. The Lord tells Abraham that he will be the father of many nations, with children as numerous as the stars in the sky, a laughable thought considering their old age. When time passed and the children did not come, Abraham in his impatience and at the heeding of his wife, took Sarah’s maidservant to bed and she gave birth to a son, Ishmael (Genesis 16). Once Sarah was given a child of her own, Isaac, Sarah cast out Hagar and Ishmael.

In a very sad moment in scripture (Genesis 21), a homeless, starving, desert-strewn Hagar sends Ishmael to another spot nearby because she cannot bear to watch him die of dehydration and hunger.

God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.  Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”  Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. Genesis 21:17-19

For Hagar, she had a very literal example of what it is like to be seen by someone. She actually gives a name to the Lord in Genesis 16:13—The One Who Sees Me.

Many people believe correctly that God is omniscient, or all-knowing and that he is able to see the evil thoughts that go through our head and the sinful acts that we do when no one is around. This is the reason why Jesus’ death on the cross was necessary, even for those who are “good people” and do a lot of good things. No one is perfect and sin is prevalent in everyone’s heart and mind.  God has been gracious to us because He is love. God sees us in our sinful nature and he loves us anyway.

My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes. Jeremiah 16:17

Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Matthew 9:4

However, many people do not understand that God also sees us in our loneliness, our fear, our longing, our sorrow and our insecurity. He sees us in our victory, our celebration, and our contentment as well. Not only does he sees us in those times but in his compassionate and empathetic nature, he joins us in those sorrows and joys so we are never alone.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139:1-5

I encourage you to consider some questions in your own life. Who sees you? Are there things you do and barriers you have constructed to make sure no one sees the real you? Who do you see? Who should you see but you haven’t taken the time? Do you believe God sees you? Do you live your life in a way that reflects that? How does that knowledge change how you go about your day?

 

A blog for another time: Sometimes letting people see the real us opens us up to heartache, betrayal, or embarrassment depending on how another person perceives us. We take the chance to have our trust broken any time we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another flawed human being. People are not always able to handle seeing all of us and the weight of that intimate knowledge can be too much. God alone is completely trustworthy and capable of handling the entire truth of who we are.

God's Calling For Your Life

Our church is in a sermon series called “Don’t waste your 2014. Pastor Sammy Adebiyi gave a stirring sermon (listen here- "Invest" January 26, 2014) which centered on Ephesians 2:10:

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

He reminded us that God created each of us with a purpose. Our life is no mistake. We have been placed at this place, and this time, with these circumstances, and with these people for a reason. That reason is that we have a job to do and God invites us to participate in his mission to love others and tell others about how much the God of the Universe loves them.

Sometimes this work is painful and difficult. Pastor Saeed Abedini, an American citizen, has been tortured in horrendous Iranian prisons since the summer of 2012 simply for being a Christian (to read more about Pastor Saeed, or to sign a petition asking for his clemency, click here). As far as the apostles in the Bible who witnessed the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, all but one is believed to have died as martyrs by beheading, stoning, crucifixion, stabbing, burning, etc.  Blessed to live in a country that allows freedom of religion and speech, we are unlikely to be martyred. However, our work can be wrought with pain and difficulty as we speak opinions and make choices that are not in line with the world or as we pour our lives into relationships that cause hurt.

Sometimes, however, the work is full of joy and blessing. I am continually reminded of this through my involvement with Young Life, a ministry that uses volunteer leaders (mostly college age) to reach out to high school students and introduce them to a God who loves them unconditionally. This ministry is so dear to me because it is how God chose to finally reach my own heart and it has introduced me to my husband and many of my closest friends. Now, George and I serve on the Adult Committee in West Toledo, supporting the staff and the volunteer leaders. Saturday we were fortunate to be able to attend a Young Life conference. In the afternoon we sat in a room with many other adult committee members from the North Coast region. Even as we discussed challenges to the ministry, we were able to laugh and fellowship with each other because this work is fun and meaningful and useful.

We also we able to hear from Jerry Leachman, a former NFL player and current spiritual counselor to many politicians and influential people in Washington, DC. He discussed an idea called “The Way of the Path.” This biblically supported concept states that we are all on a path and that path determines where our lives will end up. If we are unwilling to do the work that we have been called and commanded to do by God at this point in our lives, we find ourselves on a path that if not corrected, will not lead to the words “Well done, good and faithful servant!” (Mt 25:21). The decision to not spend time today praying to God and reading His Word will not lead to closer relationship with him. The decision to not reach out to others in need will not likely lead to a life marked by unconditional love. The decision to not share God’s love and redemption with those around you, will not likely lead to a heavenly eternity surrounded by those unbelieving loved ones—at least not because of anything you’ve done.

We can spend today, this month, this year, or our entire lives doing work that we have designed for ourselves to do and it might lead to a good end—a good retirement, a few decades of compliments on our gardens, our medals, or our physical beauty, a beautiful casket, a lot of people at our funeral. Or we can spend today, this month, this year or our entire lives doing work that leads to eternal rewards.

You’ve come to a crossroads on your path. Which path will you take? Which destination do you seek? What is your first step on that path? Perhaps you have never put much thought into your own relationship with God and your first step is to open the bible that you got when you were 8. I suggest Matthew, chapter 1, or my favorite bible story 2 Chronicles 20:1-30 . Perhaps you need to invest more time in your children, starting with playing a game with them today. Perhaps you should make that phone call you have been meaning to make, or start that application, or write that first blog post.  Perhaps you need to take an hour today and just pray and ask that God would make clear what work he has for you or what path you should take.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The Thing About Washing Feet...

 

Two weeks ago, my pastor, Ryan Snow, gave a great sermon (Listen here) about how Jesus washed his disciples’ feet in John 13. The basic idea is that aside from spending time with God, the most important thing we can do is love the people God has placed in our lives the same way that he has loved us. He cites the story from the day before Jesus was arrested where Jesus, in spite of being God in flesh, in authority over all people, stooped down to wash his disciples’ dirty feet as an act of love.

It got me thinking why people, including me, don’t often “wash people’s feet” or love people the way we should.  I love that God used this metaphorical image to show us what loving people should look like. Jesus could have sewn blankets for his friends, or performed a one act play for their enjoyment, or asked people if they wanted more bread. No, he chose a very humbling act meant for the lowliest servant dealing with one of the grossest, stinkiest parts of the body.  Feet, on their own are gross. However, back in those days, it was even worse. People wore sandals and most people walked everywhere they went on dirt roads. Because their feet would get so dirty, they would have servants wash their feet before they entered into someone’s home. Which brings me to the first thing about washing feet, or loving people how Jesus loves us.

The Thing Is…It is Dirty

Let’s be honest; washing feet is a gross job. My children love to run barefoot in my backyard in the summer and they seem to forget that we have dogs who have to go to the bathroom out there. A couple times a summer, one of them comes hopping to the door on one leg with a disgusted look on their face and they say “I stepped in it.” I have to steel up my stomach and carry them to the sink or hose and scrub their feet, which means using my clean hands to rub the poop off on their skin until their skin is clean again. Afterwards I scour my hands with soap and hot water because I feel dirty. When we clean someone else, we often get dirt splashed on us.

When we love someone, often times it “dirties” our lives.  It may cause us pain or heartache as we allow compassion and empathy to invade us. Loving someone makes you vulnerable to feeling pain that you otherwise would have avoided. Jesus loved Lazarus so much that when he died, Jesus wept. He may also have been crying because he saw the pain and sadness in Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha, and he felt compassion for them. One example of someone who has loved me, even when it is difficult is my best friend, Lindsey. As I lay alone in the emergency room in 2003, miscarrying my first baby, I couldn’t talk to anyone in my sorrow. I did, however, listen to a voicemail that Lindsey left after hearing the news from my husband. She was sobbing so hard she could hardly speak, because she knew the pain I was feeling and she felt it too.

Loving someone may also require sacrificing our money or our free time or our schedules. That same night, my parents and my sister, Kim drove the two and a half hours to see me at the hospital. I never even saw Kim because I had been in surgery and recovery and eventually she had to get back to her young children, but she had sacrificed gas money, sleep, and time with her family just so I would know she cared. This past year, two of my closest friends, Mandy and Nikki, moved far away. I was devastated for many reasons. One reason was because they were the two of the women I could count on to help me out no matter what. If I needed babysitting, a girls’ night, an ear to listen, someone to pray for me, they were there and it didn’t matter what else they had on their plate. Too many times, all the stars have to align just right for us to be willing to love someone, and that is not how God commanded us to love.

 Loving someone may cause us stress because we may begin to worry about the person’s situation, ruining our peace of mind. One of my favorite quotes is “Choosing to have a child is choosing to have your heart walking around outside of your body.” If you like having a carefree, peaceful life, do not have a child because your love for them at times may “dirty” you with fear, worry, doubt, guilt, anger, sadness, compassion, and anguish. As far as I know, this doesn’t go away. I’m turning 34 and I’m still very aware of the trauma I cause my mother. In fact, it has only gotten worse because now she has four grandchildren through me that she must fret over.

Loving children, our own flesh and blood is natural and it is expected. Loving others doesn’t always quite come so naturally.

The Thing Is…You Might Look Weird Doing It

I saw a picture on Pinterest of a young Christian couple on their wedding day. The groom was symbolically washing his bride’s feet. The idea is sweet, but I can’t even imagine what some of those guests were thinking! Sometimes the Holy Spirit leads us to love someone in a way that will look crazy to everyone else. (Listen here to my favorite Beth Moore story to hear about how she loved someone in a really weird way.)

Sometimes when we love someone publicly, we are praised for it. Other times we are mocked or criticized for it. For example, when a public official is caught having an affair and during the news conference, his humiliated wife stands right by his side holding his hand. People are outraged. “How could you still love him after what he has done?!” I felt this during a recent road trip. As I stood in the gas station, I saw through the window as a man walked up my husband and asked him for a handout. As my husband handed him money, I wanted to say “Don’t give him money…you don’t know what he will use it for!” What I may as well have said was “Don’t show him love…you don’t know if he is deserving of it!” Ouch, right?

And that is what it comes down to. Some people are easy to love. In the eyes of our world, they are deserving of our love. This may include the young child with cancer, the recently widowed mother of young children, the parent who has always been there or the neighbor who always waves hello. Some people are not easy to love. They don’t deserve it, we tell ourselves.

Several years ago a friend of mine chose to forgive her husband after he had caused her pain. As she told me, she was almost apologetic, fearing that I would disapprove of her loving him in that way. Isn’t it sad that this is what we must face from our fellow Christians when we choose to love some people? Jesus must have felt this sadness when people criticized him for spending time with the prostitutes, lepers, and tax collectors. But these were the people in the gospel that were most receptive to Christ’s love.

The Thing Is…Sometimes People Don’t Want to Get their Feet Washed

Sometimes we don’t want to accept the love that someone is offering us. Some people would rather starve to death rather than accept a handout. Some feel unworthy of love because of their past. Some people do not trust your motives. Some people don’t want to accept love because they fear it will change them or their circumstances. This is the case oftentimes with victims of sex trafficking. Someone lovingly wants to help rescue them from their captors but they don’t want to be rescued because they don’t know there is something better for them.

The Thing Is…We Need to Love Without Selfish Motives

We must love with a pure motive. Jesus did not wash his friends’ feet because he didn’t want them to stain his favorite rug.  Have you ever caught yourself doing an act of love for someone simply because it would make your life easier? When I was 19 years old, there was a person who was deeply depressed and lonely who kept reaching out to me. I would hang out with this person, not because I cared for him, but I was afraid he would hurt himself if I didn’t and I didn’t want the guilt that would follow. Interestingly enough, that motive caused a lot of guilt in my heart. I showed love to him, but purely for self-centered reasons. Have you ever tried to counsel someone because you had been listening to their problem for so long that you were sick of hearing it? Have you ever helped someone because you knew that person or others would think better of you for it? Have you done a favor for someone in hopes that they would return it someday? Or worse, have you loved someone abundantly in order to keep them indebted to you?

The Thing Is…Sometimes We Just Don’t Want to Love

Perhaps you are always the giver and servant and the favor is never returned. Perhaps in your marriage you have loved and forgiven, loved and forgiven more times than you can count and you are tired of it. Perhaps you don’t like the person God has placed right in front of you. This is all very familiar to me. I  am one of the most easily discouraged people in relationships. About once a month I start daydreaming about moving to the middle of nowhere where I can live in peace without the call to love people who don’t love me back. And then God tells me to act like a big girl and get back to following his command. As a disciple of Christ, we are to be obedient to his commands even when we don’t feel like it.

Perhaps God is not calling you to actually wash someone’s feet in the literal sense, but who does he want you to love just as Christ loved his disciples that day, just as Christ loves you now? What “thing” has been holding you back from loving those around you?

Why Jesus is Not the Reason for the Season

We’ve seen the saying “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on wallhangings, yard decorations, Christmas cards, and tshirts. It is a well-meaning Christian’s way of trying to remind us that this time of year is not about presents, egg nog, big screen tvs, or Santa Claus. But the fact is, the cliché just isn’t true.

The real reason for the season? You. The first Christmas when baby Jesus lay in the manger, and every Christmas since, has been for you—Even if no one else in the world existed. You are God’s reason. Love is God’s motivation. Jesus was God’s perfect and only means to a glorious end.

Okay, well maybe it is just semantics but hear me out. This may take a few minutes so grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable. You want, you NEED to hear this.

It has been described as the greatest love story ever told. One you’ve heard in bestselling novels, watched on the movie screen, imagined in your daydreams as a teenager.

A boy and girl love each other deeply, but the girl wants to know what is out there, so she ventures out to discover herself, claim her independence, and make a life of her own.  And the boy lets her go but he loves her still, unconditionally, unrelentingly,  waiting for her to notice that his love is what is missing from her perfect or not so perfect new life.   And at the end of the story, at the perfect time, he makes a grand gesture of his love and she realizes that the only life she wants to live is one with him by her side.

The reason this touches our hearts is because somewhere deep inside we know this is our story. We are the girl and God is the boy. Throughout all of history, humankind has sought to discover herself, prove she can make it on her own. And God has let us venture out in the spirit of free will; love is not true love if it is forced.  Every person to ever live has done this including me and including you. But he loves you still, unconditionally, unrelentingly, waiting for you to notice that His love is what is missing from your perfect or not so perfect life.

Rather than running through an airport to stop your flight, rather than standing on a lunch table to serenade you, rather than driving across the country to stop your wedding to Mr. Wrong, God sent Jesus as his grand gesture of His love.

He didn’t come to prove He was the greater than any other god. If no one believed God was glorious, he would be glorious still. God does not need our approval or our praise to be Him. He is. He was. He always will be, in spite of us humans. Instead, he came because he loves you and wants you to know the joy and peace and love that he designed you to feel.

He didn’t come in full strength and stature with an army behind him ready to kill all the bad guys. Instead, he came as a fragile, innocent baby, born to a poor teenage girl in the presence of farm animals.

His life was not easy. Not the life of a king. Not the life of a god. Not the life of one whose birth would alter history’s keeping of time.  He lived in hiding the first part of his life because of King Herod’s decree to murder all the boys his age, in an attempt to stifle the prophecy of a newborn king,

Prior to his 30^th birthday, he was a lowly carpenter without riches, without fame. He bore witness to the pain of those all around him. After three years of ministry, he himself endured heartache, grief, disappointment, loneliness, humiliation, false accusations, betrayal, suffering, torture, and even separation from God, his father as evidenced when he cries out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!” Why did he do all this? Because of His great love for you.

Satan himself bombarded him with the greatest temptation known to man. Yet he stood firm. Why? Because of His great love for you.

Yes, 33 years after that first Christmas morning, he was mutilated and tortured before being killed on the cross. The son of God, who could have called on heaven’s entire army of angels to come down and save him, didn’t. He could have simply ascended into heaven and out of the reach of those who beat him and spit on him and mocked him.  He didn’t. Why? Because of His great love for you.

His love is unlike any we experience on earth. It is unceasing. His unconditional love does not require you to be perfect, sinless, clean, lovely, or beautiful. He knows you. He sees you. He has seen every moment of your entire life and he loves you anyway.

His blood needed to be spilled to atone for our Sin. Your Sin. He gave himself as a sacrifice so that in this life we could be in a relationship with him, and receive his comfort, his encouragement, his wisdom, his joy.  He rose from the dead so that after your inevitable death on earth, you could be raised to a new eternal life in heaven with him.

Whether you have never known the love of God or whether you have lost sight of it, I pray that you will choose to see through the wrapping paper and tinsel this Christmas, to see the real reason for this season. You… and the incredible love that God has for you.

Watch this video and listen to a beautiful song about the reason for Christmas:

"How Many Kings?" by DownHere