The Best Compliment

Last week, my two year old daughter gave me the best compliment I’ve ever received. It was not a morning of good mothering. As I frantically prepared lunches for my three boys and shouted short-tempered directives to them so they wouldn’t be late to school, she came up to me, wrapped her arms around my legs and said, “Momma, I like being with you.” My scowl melted away as I looked at this sweet girl, born to another woman and brought into our home when she was five weeks old. In this one interestingly-timed compliment, she calmed, at least for a time, one of my biggest insecurities as an adoptive mom: What if she wishes she were with someone else? Especially when I'm struggling in motherhood to show her the unconditional love she deserves? When I'm not the "fun mom"? When I'm the "yelling-because-I'm-overwhelmed" mom?

This insecurity goes much deeper than just my fears as an adoptive mom. The fear of not being “enough” to make people want to be with me has followed me my whole life. I believe that I share this insecurity with most, if not all of humankind. It is the reason why breakups hard. It is why our feelings get so hurt when we see that we weren’t invited somewhere.  It is why we drown ourselves in the lives of tv or book characters; we get to share in the joys and triumphs of another without the fear of getting pushed out or left behind. It is the painful knowledge that sometimes people, for one reason or another, don't "like being with" us.

When we feel rejected by those around us, we may seek relational refuge in social media friendships. We feel safe with our surface level friendships, comprised of likes and friendly comments, until we see something like this

 

and are reminded that we are only as cared for as we are useful to other people.

This insecurity is why we seek options to remedy our flaws. Perhaps we think others (especially those from the opposite sex) may like being with us more if we could remedy our physical flaws: lose a few pounds, wear more makeup, change our hair color/texture, undergo surgery, etc. Perhaps we think others would like us more if we could remedy our character flaws: say less, say more, be more positive, complain less, laugh more, be more spiritual, be less spiritual, etc. Perhaps others would like to be with us if could remedy our behavioral flaws: drink less, party more, swear less, let loose, gossip less, gossip more, etc.

This insecurity is particularly heart wrenching when you are undergoing a long term circumstance such as ongoing sin, chronic pain, a sick child, struggling marriage, infertility, depression, etc. Humans have an extremely small capacity to remain in the presence of others (emotionally and physically) when they are undergoing a circumstance that is not easily fixed. The times when we are hardest to be with are the times when we need companionship the most.  Even Christians fail each other in these moments, but we attempt to justify our absence by overusing the idea of “healthy boundaries.” The fact is that few people will choose to be with you when you are at your ugliest and few people will walk by your side when your night is the darkest.

In general, people only like being with us to the extent that we are likable.

On the flip side, it means all that much more when someone appears at your side when you are in a hard place.

When the friend babysits your kids for the umpteenth time…

When the friend prays for you again and again and again…

When the spouse comes back to a difficult home and marriage night after night…

When the child makes you a valentine even though you grounded them from their electronics…

When the mentor listens to your repeated mistake over and over…

When the neighbor brings you dinner for the third or fourth time in your illness, injury or postpartum time…

Have you ever wondered why so many people still believe in God, in spite of the fact that He is unpopular, uncool, and the lifestyle he encourages is outdated? It is because He offers something completely unheard of in this life. He wants to be with us unconditionally. He sees us in our ugliest, our most soiled, our most depressed, our most stubborn, our most depraved, our most tainted and our loneliest time and he STILL longs to be with us. He longs to be with each one of us so much that he allowed his very son, Jesus, to die a tortured death on the cross so that we may be with him for eternity.  This is THE singular reason why I began a relationship with Jesus Christ 19 years ago.

How is he able to love us without condition? Because he doesn’t NEED anything from us. The nature of human relationships involves a reciprocal meeting of needs. When someone no longer meets one of our needs, our emotional response is fight or flight, not love and linger. God alone is capable of loving and lingering in our lives because he doesn’t need anything from us for him to keep being God.

The bible is full of stories where Jesus chose to “be” with people in spite of their circumstances, flaws, and failures. Jesus stood with the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector cheating his neighbors, the prostitute, the woman with the constant relationship drama, the woman with a 12 year illness, the sisters in mourning, his best friends who denied him on his hardest day. Jesus lingered. He loved. To use the words of my daughter, he “liked BEING with them.”

In conclusion, here are a few questions to ponder:

Who do you “like being with?” How can you tell them so?

Who do you NOT like being with but needs you to stay faithful to them in their hard time? How can you find the strength to persevere and love unconditionally?

Who “likes being with you” and why?

Do you believe God “likes being with you?” Why or why not?

Sincerely,

Janine